The reason why I started this blog is largely thatincelblogger, and particularly this recent response to one of the posts that he wrote:
“Why don’t you and your greasy incel friends just date each other and stay about 500 feet away from all other people (especially women) at all times? EVERYONE’S PROBLEM SOLVED. You sick fuck.
You are not entitled to anyone’s love or attention. Especially with such a shitty anti-woman personality such as yours. If you and your bronie friends all just sat in a circle and jerked each other off you would all feel much better.
Fuck you all very much.”
Basically, my point with this blog is to show that not all people who define themselves as involuntarily celibate or incel are not all “entitled sick fucks with shitty anti-woman personalities who should stay away from women.” I can understand personally why the blogger in question elicits such responses since I’m on the same internet forum as he is and consider him a pathetic joke and frequently clash with him. Nonetheless I found the content of the response quoted above to be offensive because I’m not “greasy” and neither am I a “bronie [misspelled?]friend” of this guy and would certainly not feel better jerking of in a circle of fellow incels, much less with this guy present (he dislikes me and I don’t think someone as deranged as him could refrain from attacking me if I ‘dared’ to disagree with him and act like a “zomg librul MONSTER”). Not all incels are the same, and I’m fed up with this guy giving us a bad name. Each incel is different, just like people are different.
For those who don’t know who this guy is, he, like me, is involuntarily celibate (incel), or says he his (he has a ‘friend with benefits’ thing going on, so I don’t really count him as such based on the definition of incel, see below). What he’s advocating is a program to set up dating challenged men with women, dating challenged or not, which is dubitable proposal in my humble opinion. He has demanded that the Croatian government does this for him and has sent numerous letters, the content of which sometimes resulted in arrests. He once asked a judge to have sex with him and needless to say she didn’t reciprocate, instead threatening with legal action if he did it again. He did the same with a female therapist, who subsequently didn’t want to see him again if I’m not mistaken. In his utter desperation he’s even demanded that his mother have sex with him to relieve his incel, and he accuses his parents for murder because his incel might result in suicide. If he decides to kill himself due to his incel, then in his opinion his parents are murderers for not doing anything about it. He’s been to various therapists (if his words are to be believed) over the past decade, none of which have been of any use. He blames it on the therapists. I wonder if he’s just a lost cause, psychologically.
As for what involuntary celibacy or incel is, the shortest possible definition can be found on Wikipedia and is thus:
“Involuntary celibacy is generally the state of being unable to find a partner with whom one wishes to engage in sexual intercourse.”
Considering thatincelblogger is currently getting laid, I don’t define him as incel anymore. A more elaborate and strict definition is this one, which can be found on love-shy.com:
“Involuntary celibacy is defined as being unable to obtain a romantic partner within six months, for whatever reason. Incels tend to be otherwise healthy individuals, who may or may not suffer from social anxiety issues.”
This is a problematic definition because it includes a shit ton of people, obviously. Many people undergo periods of six months or more in which they are single on an involuntary basis, and therefore I limit incel to those with practically no experience in dating, sex and relationships despite wanting this and trying to obtain it. By this I mean people who have generally missed most or all of the following milestones in transitioning from puberty to adulthood: holding hands, kissing, oral sex, losing one’s virginity, commitment to a long term relationship and then, finally, marriage and children. The dates at which these milestones are ‘supposed’ to occur are of course rather fuzzy and arbitrary, so a consensus on what is normal and at what age you should start to worry is difficult to establish. After all, some lose their virginity at 14, others at 19, some even later.
In the article “Involuntary Celibacy: A Life Course Analysis” (The Journal of Sex Research 38 (2): 159–169) Donnelly defined the sexual trajectory as “dating, sexual experimentation and mating”, taking place somewhat linearly, at least once by the mid to late twenties. Besides that Donnely seems to imply that lack of experience may beget further involuntary celibacy because missing these milestones sets people on a radically different sexual trajectory. Simply said, the longer you go without experience, the harder it is to get. Shame to come out as an ‘older virgin’ in our sexualized society undoubtedly has a part in this. By the time your 20-24 or so, people plainly assume you’ve had at least some experience. The media and the internet actively contribute to shame and fear of ‘coming out of the closet’ as incel by portraying older virgins as creepy, socially retarded guys who live in their mom’s basements where they play computer games all day while putting misogynistic posts online in between, complaining about incel.
Other factors identified by Donnelly’s 2001 life course analysis as causes of incel:
- Inability to relate to others
- Poor Body image
- Living arrangements (e.g. living with parents or roommates; in an isolated area)
- Work arrangements, lack of transportation
As for love-shyness, the definition of that can be found on the website dedicated to the subject:
What is Love-shyness? And are you love-shy?
What is involuntary celibacy (incel?) And are you incel?
Short answer: It’s datelessness! It’s romantic inexperience, and extreme difficulty forming romantic relationships. If you want to cut to the chase and discuss your problem, head over to the Love-shy.com forum. If you have further questions, read on.
If you came to this site looking for answers as a dateless person, then you have come to the right place. Love-shyness, simply put, is the inability of a person to participate in the normal sexual processes that everyone around him (or her) can easily engage in. The Love-shy individual typically finds themselves “shut out” of normal socio-sexual interactions. If any one of these applies to you, you can be considered love-shy:
- An extreme difficulty obtaining romantic partners, to the point of not being able to obtain any at all
- Extreme anxiety, awkwardness, and difficulty relating to romantic courtship situations, like asking someone out
- Generalized social anxiety that inhibits your potential and limits your ability to thrive
- Lack of friends, or a small number of close friends, and a difficulty in forming friendships with people
- A lack of interest in forming friendships, and social interactions, with the only real desire being that of obtaining a partner
- A feeling of being “left out” and alienated from society, and people in general
These are all characteristics that describe Love-shys. A person need not meet all of the criteria to be considered love-shy; in its distilled definition, love-shyness is simply extreme anxiety and difficulty related to opposite (or appropriate) sex interactions.
As this site and its active forum demonstrates, you are not alone if you are Love-shy! Love shyness is a condition that is estimated to affect 1.5% of males.
With this I shall conclude my first blog post. More information shall follow in future posts.