alternate history, Asperger Syndrome, Autism spectrum, bullying, Catholic University of Leuven, depression, DSM-5, high school, introversion, involuntary celibacy, OCD, porn, porn addiction, pornography, prostitution, recluse, shyness, social awkwardness, social isolation, suicidal, suicide
It has occured to me that so far I’ve failed to introduce myself, beyond mentioning that I’m an involuntarily celibate or incel person that is. I suppose it’s silly to not introduce yourself first. You don’t do that in job interviews and whatnot, but what’s been done cannot be undone I suppose. Therefore I shall introduce myself now by way of a miniature autobiography.
I’m from the Netherlands, from the picturesque southern province of Limburg to be exact, where I’ve lived my entire life so far. I was born in 1990 and am now 23 years old. What I can remember from my childhood is that it was a fairly happy one. I had a number of friends that was to my liking and I wasn’t bullied in elementary school, fortunately, but elementary school itself was boring to me because most of the subjects were too easy. IQ tests would later reveal that I have a somewhat above average intelligence (not on Sheldon Cooper levels, mind you, but still I was ahead of my peers). I could have chosen to skip eighth grade and go straight to high school, but chose not to because I would lose all my friends (which happened a year later anyway). Besides my intelligence, another thing that stood out, and which causes me trouble even today, is my very strong shyness. I suppose I was a bit socially awkward back then, but since kids are developing socially at that age it wasn’t noticed in elementary school.
The excrement hit the proverbial fan when I entered high school, which is where the extent of my social awkwardness was revealed. I made only a handful of friends/acquaintances and had almost no social life because well, I didn’t enjoy going out all that much. I dislike crowds, dancing and music so loud I couldn’t hear myself speak, which sums up all the popular venues my peers went to at the time. Besides that, I was bullied on rather severely which didn’t make my school life any more enjoyable. Bullying only served to make me even more of a recluse, spending most of my time reading books, watching TV or reading all kinds of depressing stuff on the internet. I got interested in alternate history (for example ‘what if Germany won WW II or ‘what if the Confederacy won the American Civil War’) around that time, having had an interest in history dating back to elementary school already. I spent my time on that, as well as on computer games.
And of course I felt attraction to girls my age, but I was clueless on how to relate to them. The first girl I fell in love with was in second year. A problematic issue that many incels have was revealed: when I fall in love, I feel extremely powerful emotions almost from the very start, causing me to invest emotionally way to early. The result is that when my heart gets stomped on I fall into major depression. Given my social retardation my clumsy advances were of course not recriprocated and she didn’t even like my (quite the opposite!). The incel world even has an official term for this: one-itis or oneitis, being obsessed with one person. Wikipedia calls it ‘limerence’:
Limerence is an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one’s feelings reciprocated.
This happened to me a couple of times in high school because due to my Asperger Syndrome (see below) I have mild OCD tendencies (OCD and attachment issues generally cause ‘one-itis’ if modern psychology is to be believed). The final one was the last straw. I got into a major depressive episode that lasted for the better part of eighteen months, until the end of high school. It of course didn’t help that the object of my infatuation hung around with other guys and flirted with them, while only wanting to be friends with me. In that sense, being torn apart by going to different universities (she to Amsterdam, me to Leuven ) was a good thing. Being around her did diddly squat in healing me mentally. In those eighteen months I had suicidal thoughts, although I never acted on them. I was supremely miserable and lonely. The end result was a pathological fear of rejection that persists until today.
Considering I too wanted affection and intimacy, I visited a prostitute not long after I turned 18 and lost my virginity to her. And there another issue was revealed: I couldn’t perform sexually. I did get an erection, but couldn’t maintain it inside a woman’s vagina (I don’t know if condoms have a part in this, because I’ve never done it without one). The issue is that conventional, penetrative vaginal sex does little for me, it doesn’t tickle my fantasy. That’s because I’ve had a suboptimal psychosexual development due to using porn as a substitute (masturbating about 3x a day) leading to a preference centred around oral sex. In the beginning, I tried to have intercourse with prostitutes because I thought I was ‘supposed to’, but after a while I said ‘fuck it, it’s my money so we’re doing what I want’. That has worked miracles and prostitution has been a godsend in that it significantly reduces my craving for intimacy, affection and sexuality, making my life bearable. In the present, I’ve built up a professional relationship with a friendly, attractive 28 year-old prostitute from Greece.
And then, in 2009, I went to the Catholic University of Leuven (Belgium), where my depression slowly subsided. I started the Bachelor of Arts in History, which I successfully completed in 2012, followed by a Master’s programme which I also completed successfully. I made more friends and acquaintances than I had hoped for once I found a venue to my liking, namely the Faculty Bar of Arts. I, however, didn’t develop enough socially and did not overcome my shyness and awkwardness. The girls I felt some kind of attraction to barely knew me, so I avoided them like the plague to avoid ‘one-itis’. The handful of attempts I made ended with me crashing and burning. Now that I’m looking for employment, it looks like I’ll celebrate my 24th birthday as a single man without experience outside prostitutes (if I have the motivation to even throw a birthday party).
Also, in 2009, I was diagnosed with a disorder in the autistic spectrum, i.e. high-functioning autism or Asperger’s (whichever you want to call it, although the latter is not in DSM-5). Socializing is difficult for me, and a person who was extremely introvert I don’t mind spending a lot of time by myself, engaging in purely solitary activities and hobbies.
I’ve gotten to the point that I’m completely apathetic and lethargic when it comes to the subject of relationships, with occasional bouts of melancholy in between. I’ve accepted that I will be a ‘john’ for the rest of my life, unless I get lucky somehow.
With that I conclude my late introduction. I hope it was informative and helpful. Thank you for your time.